Why still am I alive?

I am surprised on having lived so long. As a teenager I like few films of Smita Patil. I was around 16 and she died. Even today I don't watch many films but what I like about her is short life, great performance, and good bye. I thought I will die in early 30s; she died when she was 31. I had some information of other few who did their job on earth and died soon. On other side around 14, as a very sensitive child I thought I will not cross even 18 years in life. I understood from the text book that there are four ashramas of human life Brahmacharya, Grihastha, Vanaprastha and Sannyasa, also that each phase is for 25 years, followed by one after the other. Today I read that this was in reference to man and not woman. Somehow this was not mention in the text book. I remembered that being about human life. This gave me some base of thinking. I also understood that after first two phases in 50 years and fulfilling all the worldly duty the person should renounce the worldly life and go to jungle. As a child I understood that after fifty years of life one starts thinking of god and later on the person becomes sannayasi. Somehow I was clear that thinking of god cannot be that delayed when one does not have energy. I also had a sense of continuation of life to the extent that I had been on planet earth before as a person. I was never bothered of being a girl, and my religion and class were hardly reference of my life. I felt too responsible of doing something. I felt that I have come from somewhere and I must go back. God become the only reference where I wanted to go back. I was a thinking child. I was a smart child too. I thought what I could do to please the God. I also had this learning form pathshala /tuition classes of learning religious patha/ lessons at and the lectures of religious preaching that until we have pending karma  we keep coming again on earth in different forms. I was keen to do something that bring end to cycle of rebirth. I till date have confusion if the human life comes at the end of 84 lakh births then how could I have these pending karma based on human emotions like love, hate, envy,  selflessness, kindness and jealousy  etc. Even today I have few unresolved doubts and confusions, but it’s ok as they no longer bother me. In my capacity as a child I had decided to take a path of action/karma over knowledge/ jnana-marga and devotion/bhakti-marga. I did not read about any of these ways of liberation, but never the less this had made a base of my journey then onwards. By 20 years of age I have stopped reading religion related books that were available at home. I was also not so comfortable to keep on searching answers in books. There was such a flow of thoughts that reading would have made me lose my internal balance. I generally hear from people “Krinna, you think a lot.” “Krinna don’t worry.” My standard reply is thinking is natural to me. I am not worried but I am sharing what had come to my mind.

I am not sure why I am still alive. In hurry to go back from earth I did all most all what came on my way. In a way I was trying to go through as many experiences so that nothing remains pending. I could have been alive so long perhaps to keep the promise that I will again meet her/him. I think I had given this promise to a being I had loved most in some past life. As I happen to be a woman, I thought it has to be a man and in worldly context he has to be my “husband”. Anyways, now there is no burden or compulsion of performing duty and take action to protect someone weak. As a child I used to cry thinking there are many who are in trouble and why am I not doing anything?  Crying is still part of me but now more out of having known some one’s suffering and often it could be my helpless with regard to my own situation. I would wonder that after having gone through so much what makes a child/person survive. I am too strong and delicate at the same time. I also very interesting say very contradicting things in one go.

Whatever I am, I love myself a lot as a mother loves her child or other way round. Now living has come to basic matter like earning to survive and doing things as duty but without feeling responsible on outcomes. Anyways, outcome I have been judging in past as formal aspect of work but otherwise I had faith in doing my best and doing better than before in comparison of myself. May be as I had no sister or I was too independent being since childhood, comparing me with anyone has never been an issue. Even when someone else chose to compare me with anyone, I said this is not what I do to myself. The other day a friend who is objecting my plan of going back to Gujarat and do nothing in love expressed in anger told, “Ok you go. You have all these experience which could be useful, bury it somewhere, and go.” The other friend who is my family (like) said “Don’t go before I complete my studies.” I felt suffocated and told if anyone else has another task for me here in Delhi, please declare like if I have to assist in their child birth or I have to tell these unborn some stories etc. I mean I am more than happy if I could leave Delhi any day, I am happy to leave this human body any day. I am still alive, perhaps to write down about my insight to life lived in a very original manner. It might lead to conclusion that everything lived was so much a worth efforts and at times trouble. It might conclude that it was stupidity to give some meaning to life. Whatever it is, I have lived life, and it feels great till this point. But I want to bring end to this kind of life of working for/with children. I will still work with children but for creativity and fun and not otherwise. I would feel lucky if I am given freedom from life forces not to work for money....and just do reading, writing, singing, dancing, playing flute, photography or keep travelling. I would love to do nothing. The fact remains that I am alive.